When I visited a friend in her office last week, one of our conversations turned to her 12-year-old daughter. The young girl had made a list of all the qualities she wanted in her ideal man. With great enthusiasm, she read her list aloud, expecting admiration. However, my friend smiled and said, "Sweetheart, those are the qualities of a gay man."
This exchange left me reflecting on the common expectations women have when searching for the perfect partner. Are we setting ourselves up for disappointment by chasing an unrealistic ideal?
The Ever-Elusive Mr. Right
Many women express frustration over not finding "Mr. Right" and often wonder, *Where have all the good men gone?* But here’s a thought—do we sometimes overlook great partners because they don’t fit the checklist we created in our minds?
Is there a guarantee that if we find a man who ticks all the right boxes, we will truly love him? And what happens if we do meet someone who matches our ideal but discover that there is no chemistry, no spark? Are we willing to reassess our expectations, or do we cling to the list and let a potential love story slip away?
Love Happens in Unexpected Ways
True love is often a mix of good timing, patience, and, let’s be honest, a little bit of luck. Some people find love by actively searching, while others stumble upon it when they least expect it. But what if the person you fall for has qualities that are the exact opposite of what you thought you wanted? Would you dismiss him, or would you open your heart to the possibility that love doesn’t always come in the package we envision?
It’s important to ask: *Do we want a perfect man, or do we want the right man?*
The Right Man Might Already Be There
Women searching for "Mr. Right" should take a step back and reevaluate the men already in their lives. It’s easy to overlook someone just because he doesn’t fit a predetermined image.
Perhaps Mr. Right isn’t the tall, dark, and handsome man you imagined but instead the kind, dependable, and supportive man standing right next to you. Maybe he doesn’t have a smooth, movie-star charm, but he listens when you talk, encourages your dreams, and makes you feel valued.
- Makes you feel important and respected
- Enjoys your company, whether you’re out on an adventure or simply sitting in comfortable silence
- Shares your values and life goals
- Sees you as a partner, not a possession
- Is open, honest, and allows you to be your true self
If you find someone who meets these criteria, even if he’s not what you initially imagined, wouldn’t he be worth considering?
Finding Love with Faith
For Christians, finding a life partner comes with deeper considerations. Many Christian singles approach dating with uncertainty, sometimes leading to heartache. Instead of seeking a relationship based solely on attraction or worldly ideals, Christian singles are encouraged to seek God’s wisdom, recognize His plan, and look beyond superficial qualities.
A Christ-centered relationship is one that honors God, prioritizes shared faith, and cultivates a foundation of respect, love, and commitment. It’s about finding a partner who walks with you in faith, who prays with you, and who helps you grow spiritually.
Final Thoughts
Perhaps it’s time to move beyond the checklist and focus on what truly matters in a relationship. Instead of asking, *Does he meet all my criteria?*, maybe the better question is, *Does he make me happy? Does he treat me with love and respect? Can we build a meaningful future together?*
Love isn’t about perfection—it’s about connection, compatibility, and commitment. So, take another look around. Mr. Right may not be the man from your list, but he could be the one God has planned for you all along.
What do you do when you find that man, The Right Man, but he's with someone else, through a sense of duty or feelings of guardianship? I've found that Right Man, someone who does all those things listed in your article and more. He's professed a strong, never ending, love for me, but he's with an alcoholic, someone who's had drinking problems of varying severity, from the first day they met. My love entered the relationship seeing the 'good' of his partner and feeling he could 'fix' the drinking but after seven years, the problem has just grown more and more sever. Now my love will not leave the one he's with because that person won't deal with their drinking and cannot care for themselves. I think my love is actually enabling his partner to be an alchoholic by providing an environment that will allow his partner to indulge their drinking to excess without repercussions (without worry of losing their place to live, the security of their home.) Guess that means my love's not the right one after all? But I still love him desperately because he has all those qualities I've been looking for. After a year I forced the issue of a choice and my love told me he'd never' put his partner out on the street. Never. So we split company. But we connected so deeply on every level,emotionaly, characteristically, physically, spiritually. We were a perfect match for each other. He has professed as much to me and he makes me feel so complete, so whole when we're together. I still love him and I am in complete misery. What do I do now?
ReplyDeleteI'm an ex-gay Christian man, and I can understand how a 12 year old girl would be more likely to write down all the qualities that gay men are known for, and that she felt a boyfriend should be. What are those qualities? Well, my guess is that she chose, among others, sensitivity, being a good listener and convesationalist, and someone who appreciates the fine arts. That is why most gay men do indeed make good friends with many women, since their personality profile would be similar. This is only a good start for a dating relationship, however.
ReplyDeleteBut God does not want the opposite sexes just to have some sense of commonality in a friendship, but rather, with that and more, that mystical atraction to what is oppposite, not only in physiobiology, but also in their gender based psychological makeup as well. This requires a man to psychosexually graduate from his asexual self and boyhood, i his affiliation with a girl companion, such as what most boys do in their early childhood experience with girls, to recognize not only anatomical characeristics that are different, but also ways of thinking and being, which are learned from both their father, or another same sex role model, and observing how their mother interacts with their father, or another or other same sex significant other(s). These ways are assertiveness, initiating, learning to be a leader, being a good provider and protector, etc. These gay men are known not to be, as a whole, which most late adolescent and young adult females come to realize.
And, as gay men indulge in their lifestyle of choice, especially if it becomes a more monolithic social experience, such as living in a gay community of a metropolitan city, and they don't associate very much with members of traditional families (which is very common), except in their employment, they actually begin to lose their admirable qualities, even becoming quite misogynistic (i.e., calling them "breeders").
For example, another man related to me that when he went to see Brokeback Mountain in a center city area, he noticed alot of male couples in the audience. When it came to the scene where the wife was peering out the upstairs back door and saw her husband making out with his buddy against the garage door, and she then began to cry, slamming the door shut and running off, he related that the majority of the audience was actually laughing at the tragic scene, rather than appropriately feeling sorry for the wife.
This is a very salient indicator and the epitomy of insensitivity to the opposite sex, is it not? Ask many divorced females of men who after marriage decided to live a gay lifestyle how they changed too. I'm sure you'd get a quorum of similar feedback to mine.
We same sex attracted Christian men, who chose to not feed into our sinful nature, childhood wounds and narcissism, but live in Christ and for Him, are really the best there is actually, when it comes to knowing how to be a friend to the opposite sex, as long as we are growing as a son before our Father God. I believe that the Apostle John was a good example of this. It is why I believe Jesus chose him to take care of His mother, while He hang dying on a cross.
In closing, I must say that you definitely have a point about the ability for gay men to be good friends with women, although with my aforementioned qualifiers. But, us same sex attracted Christian men do have many weaknesses also concerning being in relationship to the opposite sex, especially in marriage, some which I already mentioned. It just so happens that most "ever-straight" Christian men seem to be stronger in areas that us "ex-gay" Christian men aren't, and of course the converse is also true, as you have pointed out in your article. The good news is, whether coming from a "straight as an arrow", "bi", or "flamboyantly gay" history, if a Christian man alows himself to continue to grow in his place as a son of God, the Lord will address these weaknesses, and His strength will be evident where one's weakness used to prevail!
Blessings,
Tom Morey