New Company Policies

My work sent me away for a while, the reason why this blog was not updated since my last post in April. While I was away, I read an article by Francis J. Kong in a newspaper about new company policies. While the article brought a smile on his face, he said, it made me laughed. So I thought of posting it here in my blog. Below is the article.

MEMORANDUM

TO : ALL EMPLOYEES
FROM : THE MANAGEMENT
SUBJECT : NEW COMPANY POLICIES

A. Dress Code
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing a Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci Bag, we assume that you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

B. Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

C. Personal Days
Each employee will receive 52 personal days a year. They are called Sundays.

D. Bereavement Leave
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

E. Toilet Use
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three minute limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the “Chronic Offenders”. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company’s mental health policy.

F. Lunch Break
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balance meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get five minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed to drink Slim-fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere. For your immediate compliance.